List of Diary of a Bad Man episodes

Humza meets Umar (Mohammed Umar Baig) in the park, Humza attempts to flirt with three girls, but gets assaulted and has his phone and money stolen, and Umar runs away. Humza asks Ameh for £600 for a new phone, only to get wedgied. He then talks about how miserly his parents are.

Humza talks about Pakistanis being stereotypically late and then talks about how he usually spends Eid with his uncles and aunties.

Two days before Eid, Imam Ali Khan catches Humza looking at obscene pictures on his computer and asks Humza to go to a charity event with him, Humza makes excuses and then refuses to go. However, Ameh forces him to go or he will not receive any money for Eid.

Humza reluctantly attends a charity meeting with Umar, Imam Ali Khan and three other men. After Humza and Umar interrupt the meeting, Imam Ali Khan pulls them aside and scolds them. Umar then runs off when one of the other men confronts Humza.

On Eid, Humza is stabbed by Ameh after he throws a snowball at her. He then meets Umar and gets invited to a party by Umar's friend Zebbie who is accompanied by two girls, Humza agrees to come at the request of one of the girls. Humza is confronted by seven male youths who attack him with snowballs.

Humza complains about having diarrhoea and then reveals that his dad bought him a Blackberry phone. He takes Imam Ali Khan advice and goes to get examined by a doctor. After he is told that he is actually at a dental surgery, he requests to have his teeth cleaned instead. Humza tries to flirt with a female dental assistant and he gets slapped by Imam Ali Khan.

Humza and Umar, are confronted by Asif (Asif Hussain) and his friend, who they steal a can of 7Up from. The next day, Asif and his gang attack Humza and Umar in the park, and Humza and Umar drive away in Asif's car. Later, Humza pays a white girl to visit Asif's house and tell Asif's mother that she is pregnant with Asif's child.

Three Months Later... Imam Ali Khan and Humza visit a graveyard to be reminded about death.

Humza talks about his family's reaction to him being stabbed and about his father's misconception that paracetamol cures every ailment. The next day, Humza and Umar attend a meeting with Imam Ali Khan and two other men to discuss organising a youth conference.

Humza talks about Valentine's Day and reveals that Ameh plans to arrange a marriage for him. Umar meets Humza and recommends his sister as a potential wife for Humza, Humza tells Umar that he got engaged to a Nigerian woman last week. After meeting Umar's sister (Jaya), Humza changes his mind and says he has received a text message saying that his fiancée is dead and chases the car Umar and his sister are driving off in. Humza then talks about how his mother attempted to get him married over Skype.

Humza talks about his dislike of Indian dramas and Bollywood films.

Humza hears from Asif that Umar betrayed him in return for his burger and Asif apologises for Humza being stabbed. Humza decides to forget about Umar and make a new friend Dexter (Jaspal Kerrah), whom he plays Twister with, burns a bowl whilst making salad with and is shown his dance by.

Later, instead of helping Ameh do the shopping Humza meets Zebbie and another friend, they are confronted by a policeman who cavity searches the other friend. Humza is then assaulted and robbed by Ameh and his sister while they return from shopping. Humza gets grounded for a week for not helping with the shopping but he decides to meet Zebbie, Dexter and the other friend in a pool club. Ameh finds Humza in the pool club and defeats him in a freestyle rap battle.

Humza talks about the Royal wedding.

Humza loses a chess game against Imam Ali Khan. Humza annoys and frustrates Imam Ali Khan with absurd remarks who then leaves.

Later, while Humza is with Dexter, Asif and The Dentist in the park, The Dentist gets a girl's number. Humza insults the girl and while trying to get her friend's number ends up fighting with her, meanwhile Ameh is spying on Humza. When Humza gets home Ameh assaults him, he ends up in hospital and she tells him he has to get married.

Humza talks about his lack of knowledge about women. The next day he meets Dexter, The Dentist, Imam Ali Khan and Asif, and tells them that he is getting married. They all laugh when he says he is responsible, but then congratulate him and give him a list of things to do before getting married. Firstly, his friends take him on holiday to Malaysia. Secondly, his friends give him driving lessons, however, he badly damages his friend's car. Thirdly, he babysits a young girl.

Humza and his fiancée's (Aneesah Baig), marriage contract and vows are being solemnised with Dexter and Asif also attending. A black gangster Tony The Kala (Malik) gatecrashes the wedding and runs off with the bride. Humza then talks about Asian weddings.

Two days later, Ameh confronts Humza for failing his exams, Humza pleads to not be beaten. The next day, Humza appears on crutches to his birthday party arranged by Dexter and Asif. He then talks about birthdays and his previous experiences of birthday parties with his family.

Humza meets an old friend Jazzie (Jazzie Zonzolo) to earn money. They are given a briefcase by Terry to deliver, but they are robbed by primary school children who want money in return for the briefcase. Jazzie attempts to rob a shop pretending to have a gun but after the shopkeeper calls his bluff, he gets his phone stolen by the shopkeeper.

Humza talks about his Eid celebrations with his family. The next day, Asif tells Humza that Tony The Kala wants him dead.

Humza goes to a gym and requests help finding Jazzie, after the men agree to help, he gets chased out after he calls them homosexual. Humza then talks about his father's vanity. Later, Humza, Asif and Dexter are chased by Kalum.

The next day, Humza hires a secret agent Agent Kalia (Yogesh Kalia) to find Jazzie. Agent Kalia kills a bird that he thought was going to attack Humza and passes out after breaking wind.

The next day, Asif calls Humza and tells him there is a car park party later and there may be people there who know where Jazzie is. Humza asks people at the party, gets into an argument with two guys who put him in their car boot and then let him go.

Humza talks about aunties and about his father's misogynistic treatment of women.

While tied up, Umar apologises to Humza and they argue about things Humza has done to Umar. Tony The Kala approaches them and offers to let them go if they give him the briefcase, but after Umar reveals that Humza threw the briefcase in a river, Tony The Kala denotes a bomb and leaves them. Umar then chews off the rope, they escape and run to a field. A gang of three men approach Humza and Umar runs away. Humza tricks the gang-leader (Prince Abdi) to race him and then walks off. The gang find him and the gang-leader suffocates whilst zipping his hood up over his face.

Humza talks about how to spot a "freshie". After hearing about Dexter from Ameh, Humza realises that it was his fault that Dexter was attacked and goes to visit him to make amends. Later Asif, The Dentist, Agent Kalia and Humza discuss buying Dexter a present. Then at Dexter's bedside, Humza reads a book and brings chocolates which he then eats himself.

Humza talks about his childhood memories of Ameh. Later, D-Dark (Stefan Mensah) requests to stay at Humza's house, Humza agrees after D-Dark tells him that he would buy his iPhone app. The next day, D-Dark and Humza talk about what they would buy if they were rich.

The next day, Humza steals Ameh's credit card and buys luggage. He then talks about reminiscing over childhood photos with his auntie. The next day, Agent Kalia, Asif and Dexter accuse Humza of bribing a policeman to cavity search them and ask Humza where he is getting all his money from. Dexter defeats Asif in a fight and later Asif is taken to hospital.

The next day, Ameh receives the credit card bill and throws Humza against a shed. Humza talks about advice he received from his father about women. The next day, D-Dark steals Ameh's purse, pushes Ameh aside and runs out the house.

The next day, Agent Kalia, Asif and Dexter force Humza to apologise to Ameh for stealing her credit card. Humza learns that you are not entitled to take something that does not belongs to you but you are entitled to take what God has given you. Humza and Ameh hug and tell each other they love each other. Later, whilst Humza is out buying Ameh flowers, Ameh collapses and dies of a heart-attack from the shock of D-Dark pushing her. Humza returns to find his friends standing besides Ameh lying on her bed and after realising she is dead Humza bursts into tears.

Humza talks about Ameh's funeral and the Olympic Games. Later, he talks about Ramadhan and Asian peoples' lack of manners.

Humza's father shouts at his employees and requests one of them, Azmat (Hasan Raja Azmat), to cross-dress and tell him he loves him, who reluctantly agrees. Humza's father then assaults an unhappy, female customer.

Humza talks to Umar about his concern for how his father is dealing with Ameh's death and they then kidnap a bride for him. To help distract Humza, his father gets him a job at Dexter's pizza shop Super Singh's Pizza. Humza makes an advert for the pizza shop. Later, Dexter sacks him for writing an insulting message on a pizza using toppings.

Meanwhile, D-Dark meets A Squeezy (Arnold Jorge) and Klayze (Kiell Smith-Bynoe) with half the money he owes them and admits stealing it from Humza. They force D-Dark to take them to Humza's house by threatening to harm his hamster.

Humza arrives home to find his house burgled. Humza talks about having tonsillitis and hospitals. Later, he talks about Eid celebrations.

Humza's father blames him for the burglary and wants him to contribute at least £2,500 by the end of the week or he will burn Humza's favourite music album.

Umar calls Humza and tells him he is pregnant. Humza takes Umar to The Dentist and bribes The Dentist to convince Umar that he is pregnant.

Humza invites his uncle and asks him for £2,500, who agrees but first sings a song about how he came to England. Humza's uncle then refuses to give Humza the money, and when Humza threatens to call immigration, his uncle runs away.

To raise money Humza and Jazzie attempt to rob a butcher's shop and get chased out by the employees with knives. Jazzie flirts with a girl in Humza's father's shop and then argues with her. Humza attempts to rob the girl but gets assaulted and has his phone stolen.

Humza meets A Squeezy and Klayze to loan money, he questions where the money came from and Klayze reveals that they burgled Humza's house. A Squeezy deflects a punch from an angry Humza but after seeing Dexter with a stick, the pair blame D-Dark and run away in fear. Agent Kalia and Humza pursue D-Dark in Agent Kalia's car but D-Dark escapes.

Humza talks about his family's lack of Christmas celebrations, the 2012 phenomenon and his scepticism of conspiracy theories.

Meanwhile, Humza's father tells his employees about their upcoming January sales offers. Azmat dissents and is told to clean the toilets with his face. Kamran requests his wages and gets £5 taken from him.

Humza tells Umar he has a girlfriend. Humza's father finds out, chases him with a rolling pin and headbutts him. His father then advises him on how to court women, talks about his own marriage and tells him that he should let him find him a wife. Humza's father suggests potential marriage partners for Humza and refuses to let Humza marry his girlfriend.

Humza takes his uncle's advice and runs away. Humza's father assaults Dexter and orders Asif and Agent Kalia to find Humza in Malaysia. When Asif and Agent Kalia arrive in Malaysia, Humza's father, whilst holding Asif's mother captive, calls Asif and tells him he has 24 hours to find Humza or Asif's mother will be killed.

Asif and Agent Kalia find Humza on a beach and chase him. Humza gets bitten by a snake while urinating in the bushes and faints. He awakens to find Agent Kalia posing with the snake while Asif takes pictures. Asif attempts to kill the snake with a spade. Humza gets bitten by another snake while trying to lure the snake off. They then set the snakes on fire and when Humza asks his friends to suck the venom out, his friends decide to take him to a hospital.

Humza talks about being ill, Somalis and Asian families behaviour when on holidays abroad.

Humza meets Asif, Agent Kalia and Dexter and tells them that he wants to marry his girlfriend of two weeks. Humza gets diarrhoea while out with his friends. He then visits Smokey's (Dominic Othol) to get a haircut, after Jazzie throws Agent Kalia out of the barbers for holding his hand, Humza's sister appears at the barbers. Humza tells Jazzie and his sister that he has a girlfriend, after they laugh at him, he asks for their help.

Humza talks about the way "freshies" talk and relationships with parents. Humza is ridiculed by his sister for wearing her bathrobe, who he then pays to help him impress his girlfriend. Humza's sister advises him to put his girlfriend first, take her to the cinema, take her to a fancy restaurant, take her bowling and buy her an expensive gift. Humza's father talks about his first love. Humza takes his girlfriend out and gives her a Lidl bag as a gift. Humza thanks his sister who warns him to be careful or he will get hurt.

Humza calls his girlfriend from his father's shop who tells him she is shopping. Humza's father tells Humza that he knows he still has a girlfriend so he will take him to Pakistan. Humza tells his father that he has to accept that he is in love with his girlfriend. Humza's father tells him that he does not want him to get hurt. Humza leaves the shop ignoring his father's advice and then sees his girlfriend courting another man. Humza reveals an engagement ring.

Humza gets interrupted while contemplating suicide at the top of a cliff by a man (D4nny) singing. Humza throws a shoe at the man and man runs off with Humza's shoe.

Later Humza meets Dexter, Agent Kalia and Asif in a cafe and tells them that he is depressed, they reassure him with their experiences of women and he tells them he has a plan.

Humza visits Mumzy Stranger to produce a music track for charity. After they drink coriander tea, Humza gives him poor ideas for the track and video. Humza reveals that the real reason for his visit is to get D-Dark's contact number, Mumzy then assaults Humza, however, Humza steals Mumzy's phone, calls D-Dark and flirts with him while impersonating a girl.

Humza then finds D-Dark and attacks him. After the fight, D-Dark explains to Humza that he joined a gang for money and when things became serious he wanted to leave but was blackmailed so he stole from Humza. D-Dark apologises for stealing from Humza and for what happened to Humza's mother, and tells him that Mr Bricka (David Vujanic) runs the gang.

D-Dark takes Humza and Jazzie to Klayze at a shisha bar to join the Flowerpot Mandem Gang. Klayze laughs, agrees and has them aggressively escorted out by bouncers. Humza then finds A Squeezy and Don't Jealous Me (Tolulope Ogunmefun) and tells them that he is part of their gang. They ask him to rob a schoolboy, however, Humza gets chased away by the boy's school friends and gets beaten up.

While at a restaurant, Humza and Umar are joined by another Flowerpot Mandem Gang member. Rival gang leader Charles The Boss (Adam Deacon) then arrives at the restaurant with six henchmen. When asked if they are part of Flowerpot Mandem Gang Humza and the other member lie. However, after Umar exposes them Charles and his gang members chase Humza. Humza fails to disguise himself as a white man and is assaulted by Charles' henchmen.

Humza then spreads rumours that he won the fight and is invited to meet Mr Bricka. Klayze and two bouncers take Humza to meet Mr Bricka in a warehouse where Humza's uncle works. Mr Bricka tells Humza about his history in Eastern Europe before arriving to the United Kingdom and running London. Mr Bricka offers Humza a promotion much to Klayze's disapproval. Mr Bricka tells Humza that to prove himself he must kill his uncle with a spade, Humza reluctantly agrees but then refuses. When Mr Bricka decides to kill Humza, Humza says that he is wearing a wire recording, then tries to runs away with his uncle but is stopped by Klayze and then fights with Mr Bricka. Humza runs off with Mr Bricka's shoe, police then arrive and find enough evidence to convict Mr Bricka.